What is work?

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* Warning: Prepare for ramblings!

These 3 months working with Medair in South Sudan have given unprecedented time to explore my relationship with work. This is because I have stumbled across an unexpectedly 'quiet' job. The nature of the humanitarian sector is normally associated with over-exhaustion and burnout, and yet my experience so far has been via a run-of-the-mill job where I am not yet particularly busy.

I came into Medair anticipating a heart-pumping job where my passion for people would be fully exploited, my emotions would run the gauntlet, I would be over-worked and challenged, and full of conviction that what we are doing is the best thing ever. While I do hold that Medair is doing a very good job within a lot of constraints, the other experiences have not yet come to pass. 

This non-busy job has launched me into a bit of a sense of failure: my imaginary idea of a successful person with a strong work ethic would find things to do. They would make themselves indispensable, develop new ideas, implement change, go deeper in their work projects. They would be busy and they would achieve. We are all here to save the world after all! There must be something I am doing wrong in order to feel like this...

God has been questioning me in these difficult months about why this unbusyness is battering me. Nobody likes to be bored, but it goes beyond that right into self-identity. And this self-identity comes from a life born in England, going through a good school, good Universities, and being shown the 'right way' to work - which is busily. But, to date, that is not the working life God has given me. This is not my first quiet job, in fact I think all of my jobs have erred on less-busy rather than too-busy. I have worked for charities rather than big organisations. I have not been part of the rat race, stretching myself to climb a ladder. I have always had jobs focused on people-development, and these are not always fast paced. 

So, what might God be teaching me in this season? 

I have no real solutions, and can still feel disappointed and unsure. There are plenty of days where I could finish at 10am and have fulfilled my tasks for the day. But I have received comfort from God during the many times I've wondered what to do, and ended up asking Him for help for the day. Earlier this week, He reminded me of a Bible truth which really shook my feeling of failure: I am blessed in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ (Ephesians 1:3). I have every spiritual blessing - every spiritual blessing - in Christ! This incredible acceptance by God completely overshadows my feelings of failure, and subsequent fear of being rejected by colleagues (and myself, and even God). 

So, onward into tomorrow, and next week, and the next. It may be busy, it may be quiet. Whatever it is, I know each day is a gift from God and my output is a lot less important than His input. He is doing something in me as we go through this season... I may not see it yet. But I will try and trust Him one day at a time to give me all I need to give Him all I am. 


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