Gratitude

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 A BIG thank you to God. That's what this is. A deeply heartfelt 'thank you' to the One who has walked with me through 5 months of difficult days.


And a BIG thank you to God for bringing me into a new season. Our holiday in Mauritius gave me space and time to enjoy feeling 'normal', and to carry that freshly into our next block of time at work. 

I don't know what has changed in my head and heart, but something has... and it feel amazing to be feeling free from the heaviness of the past months. My friend who also works here said she had the same thing - after 6 months, something clicked, and she felt able to be herself in Juba the same as in other places. But the first 6 months were difficult... It was encouraging to share the experience with someone else. 

But I am also grateful for how God has literally counselled me through the previous months! He has daily listened to my thoughts and feelings, and shown me better ways of using time and thought life to bring greater understanding and growth. I think the gains of the last 6 months have been far greater than an easier, slower process at home.

I see now that the foundation was already laid for a period of difficulty - I cannot 'blame' it all on moving from the UK to South Sudan! There have been months and years leading up to this season of life, and God has been showing me some things which have been gently bubbling in the background, but which have been brought into the light during this deeper time of reflection and prayer. 

Now, I adore being married to Steve! But when we got married in 2019, a series of big changes began which have represented loss. I stopped living alone (which I liked), I changed jobs, I changed church, a lot of my friendships were weakened as a result... And COVID ran alongside all of this. I'm not sure how well I had processed these changes and losses before coming here. The unbusy work life, intense emotions, and long months of involuntary reflection created a situation whereby God could highlight a lot of this, and breathe some help and healing into my unconsciously grieving soul. 

And now, from a place of feeling normal again while still living in this odd context, I'm deeply grateful to God for the journey we have walked through together, and for the peace and strength which has been given and built over this time.

I was eating breakfast this morning on our rooftop, surrounded by bright pink bourgainvillier, looking out over the rooftops of our corner of Juba, feeling happy. I think this is very first morning of feeling this way in Juba, and I am so grateful to God for it, and look forward to more mornings of enjoying the gift of being here for now.  

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