Etiquette part 1: An Intro.

Etiquette

‘the customary code of polite behaviour in society or among members of a particular profession or group’ (Oxford dictionary). 

 

It is surprising how many behavioural norms are absorbed by all of us without consciousness. What appears to be natural and logical to us has often been learned from people and culture, and does not represent one universal understanding.  

 

When moving between countries and becoming part of a different group of people, these differences become significant. What we consider to be ‘common sense’ is nothing of the sort; it is merely a process that we have turned into logic, and any deviation seems crazy. So much of cross-cultural misunderstanding is a failure to recognise the deep and important practices which feel correct to one person, but which are different or contrary to those of another. 

7 months ago, I arrived in Syria with my husband, to embark upon a 12 month contract with Medair, based in Aleppo. Medair is a humanitarian organisation working to alleviate suffering as a result of crisis. In February 2023, Syrians were impacted by 2 earthquakes which destroyed homes, damaged water systems, disrupted health services and displaced people. Among a host of NGOs, Medair responded.  

 

And here we are – new to the Middle East, and new to our roles. Steve is working as the Project Coordinator, overseeing the team based in Aleppo, managing staff who are conducting projects in water and sanitation, health, shelter, cash and voucher assistance, and monitoring and evaluation. He has done the ‘same’ role in South Sudan, but the context is so vastly different that the experiences are worlds apart. My role is overseeing the support functions – logistics, finance and HR: an entirely new area of work for me.  

 

Among a range of learning curves, the biggest has been in cultural etiquette. What is logical and polite in England simply does not translate here. The daily routine with its set pattern of times for sleep, work and eat are completely different. When and how to eat food (and pay for it) is different. And how to communicate with colleagues is different – the actual method of communication utilised has underlying messages that were unknown to me.  

 

A can of worms. 

 

On a bad day, it is possible to feel like a failure – when you perceive that you have done something wrong, but cannot identify what or why. When you select the ‘wrong’ day or time for a social event, and receive absolutely no feedback or affirmation from friends who are usually gregarious. When you offend someone but cannot understand why they feel as they do. It is so easy to feel defensive and vulnerable.  

 

There is no easy solution! You cannot fast track through ignorance to appropriate cultural etiquette; it takes time. It also takes humility to ask questions and not make assumptions, to be interested in different ways of doing things, to get things very badly wrong and to quickly recover. Maybe the biggest adaptation is a mental one – to stop judging something that is different as bad or worse. When we stop judging the norms of another against our own, we can finally eradicate ‘them’ (as opposed to ‘us’) from our vocabulary.  

 

Over the last 7 months, I have experienced a number of issues of etiquette, and have often felt discomforted by the experience. This is why this post is Etiquette part 1, allowing the opportunity to explore specific examples in the future. It is mentally freeing to meander through a challenge to a place of understanding. So thank you for the space to do so.