Etiquette part 3: Gossip

I have never before encountered a place where there is so much gossip as in Syria!

Sure, we have all said something negative about someone out of their earshot before. It is normal.

But in Syria, it is likely that those words are passed on to their subject. It is considered an act of honesty – to retell words spoken, as a disclosure to the subject, or in general to others. I have had a few people come to me at work to tell me something that they have heard a colleague say, either about me, or about someone else. They believe that they are doing me a service in this – it is an honourable act, and it frees them from any involvement. It is a way of building trust in them, because I know they will tell me some news about myself or others if they hear it.

This feels different to the etiquette at home whereby people (in the main) don’t relay gossip so much. It may be considered rude or emotionally immature to relay what someone else says, or even an attempt to increase status through the public lowering of someone else’s. And it seems unkind – to both the speaker (who may have been having a bad day and said something they would later withdraw), and to their subject who is receiving the knowledge that somebody has said a bad word against them.

So, what is the most honest way of dealing with gossip? Relaying the spoken words to their subject, or holding them back?

The idealistic solution is to ensure the words spoken are only positive and encouraging, making their repetition desirable rather than painful. Nobody minds hearing that they have been well spoken of! It is uplifting to re-communicate the achievements, abilities and qualities of another person. It builds trust, since listeners only hear positive messages, and can trust this is also being said about them. In the Bible, believers are encouraged to ‘tame the tongue’ (James 3:7) and take control over what they say. I remember being challenged as a teen: if you wouldn’t say it to their face, don’t say it behind their back. An interpretation of this principle from James.

I’m not sure it is easy to insist upon purely positive talk around the office! But it is interesting to encounter an alternative perspective on something like gossip. The British value of kindness dictates you do not repeat gossip. The Syrian value of honesty dictates you do repeat gossip.

[Shrug]